Crack Ups

TOO LATE, TOO LATE

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: “Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.

I want her to know what I go through, so please
allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.

God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man’s wish. The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches and drove them to school. Once at home he picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries. After all this he paid the bills and balanced the checkbook, cleaned the cat’s litter box and bathed the dog.

Then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home.

Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework.
Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.

At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.

After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and though his daily chores weren’t finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.

The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don’t know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife’s being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back.”

The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, “My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You’ll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night.”

 

THE BAD BIRD
A young man received a parrot as a gift. The
parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious
and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot.
The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation,
threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the
freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked
and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened
the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I
may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
 

THE 100 MPH GOAT
Two Alabama rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says, “Wow, that’s some hole; I can’t even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is.” The second hunter says,” I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.” The first hunter says, “There’s this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see”. So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jumped in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. “Say there,” says the farmer, “You fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?” That damn animal is always taking off, but I thought I was sure that I had him beat this time.
The first hunter says, ” Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hundred miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!”
The old farmer said, “That’s impossible. I had him chained to a transmission.

 

SHIPWRECKED

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile,
he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the
beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling. A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.
That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
– perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those
feelings’ again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.
He said, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”