Crack Ups

HUNTING or NOT

A game warden was driving down the road when he came upon a boy carrying a wild turkey under his arm.
He stopped and asked the boy, “Where did you get that turkey?”
The boy replied, “What turkey?”
The game warden said, “That turkey you’re carrying under your arm.”
The boy looks down and said, “Well, lookee here, a turkey done roosted under my arm!”
The game warden said, “Now look, you know turkey season is closed, so whatever you do to that turkey, I’m going to do to you.
If you break his leg, I’m gonna break your leg. If you break his wing, I’ll break your arm. Whatever you do to him, I’ll do to you. So, what are you gonna do with him?”
The little boy said, “I guess I’ll just kiss his ass and let him go!”

 

THE GOLFER & THE PRIEST

This man goes to confession and says, “Forgive me father for I have sinned.” The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the “F-word” over the weekend.
The priest says, “Oh okay, just say three Hail Mary’s and try to watch your language.”
The man replies that he would like to confess as to why he said the “F-word”. The priest sighs and tells him to continue.
Well father I played golf on Sunday with my buddies instead of going to church.
The priest says, “And you got upset over that and swore?”
The man replied, “No, that wasn’t why I swore. On the first tee I duck-hooked my drive right into the trees.”
The priest said, “And that’s when you swore.”
The man replied, a little testily because of the constant interruptions, “No, it wasn’t. When I walked up the fairway, I noticed my ball got a lucky bounce and I had a clear shot to the green; however, before I could hit the ball, a squirrel ran by and grabbed my ball and scurried up a tree.”
The priest asked, “Is that when you said the ‘F-word’?”
The man replied, “No, because an eagle then flew by and caught the squirrel in its sharp talons and flew away.”
The priest let out a breath and queried, “Is that when you swore?”
The man replied, “No, because the eagle flew over the green and the squirrel let go of my golf ball and it landed within 5 inches of the hole.”
The priest screamed, “Don’t tell me you missed the freakin putt!”

 

KIDS POINT OF VIEW

Daddy, what are those two spiders doing,” she asked? “They’re mating,” her father replied. “What do you call the spider on top,” she asked? “A Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered. “So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs,” the little girl asked?
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, “No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat. “Well,” she said, “that may be OK in California, Washington and Colorado, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas.”

 

MAKING A POINT

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. ‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Good Lord! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ The wife stared at him. ‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’

 

NUTS

Jim and Edna are both mental patients. One day Jim jumps into the swimming pool but doesn’t come up for air. Quick as a flash, Edna sees her friend in trouble, so she dives in and pulls him out.

Later, the hospital director calls Edna into his office and says, ‘Edna, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, we are releasing you as you are obviously sane ‘saving another’s life’. But unfortunately, the bad news is that Jim hanged himself in the bathroom …’

‘Oh no’ Edna replies, ‘that’s where I put him to dry!’

 

BLONDE

3 women are waiting to be executed one is a brunette, one is a red head and one is a blonde.

The brunette is called up and the executer says do you have any last words and she says no. The executer then continues and says ready aim and the brunette shouts earthquake! Everyone is startled and jumps to the floor while the brunette escapes.

Then the red head is called up and once again the executer shouts any last words and once again the red head replies no. So the executer shouts ready aim and the red head shouts tornado! Everyone is starts running around while the red head escapes.

By now the blonde understands what she has to do so when she gets called up and the executer asks her if she has any last words she says no. Then once again the executer shouts ready aim and the blonde shouts, “FIRE!”

 

FUNNY WALK

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”
Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”
The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine

medical students think.”
The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.”
The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”
The old man said, “You thought – but you are wrong.” So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”
The old man said, “I thought it was gas – but I was wrong, too!”