Crack Ups

COMPASSION OR REASON?

A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Italian from New Jersey were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Italian from New Jersey fumed, ‘What’s with those jerks, we’re waiting fifteen minutes between shots?’
The Indian doctor chimed in, ‘I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!’ The Chinese businessman called out, ‘Move it, time is money!’ The Catholic priest said, ‘Here comes the greens keeper. Let’s have a word with him. Excuse me, sir!’ said the priest, ‘What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?’

The greens keeper replied, ‘Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.’ The group fell silent for a moment. The Catholic priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.’ The Indian doctor said, ‘Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything that he might be able to do for them.’ The Chinese businessman replied, ‘I think I’ll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters union in honor of these brave souls!’
The Italian from New Jersey said, ‘Why can’t they play at night?

 

RETIRED LIFE

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’  He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a sh*t-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn’t care. We came into town by bus and the car had a Trump sticker on it. We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

 

LIPSTICK IN SCHOOL
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night
(you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror. There are teachers … and then there are educators.

 

LITTLE BRUCE & JENNY

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand. Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, ‘Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.’ Thinking that this was just the cutest thing from this adorable boy, Mr. Smith replies, ‘Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live? ‘Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, ‘In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.’
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, ‘Okay then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny. Again, Bruce instantly replies, ‘Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine.’ Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. ‘Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?’ Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, ‘Well, we’ve been lucky so far.’ Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little sh*t is adorable.

 

THE YEAR IS 1947

Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations; however, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born: Albert A. Gore, Jr., Hillary Rodham, John F. Kerry, William J. Clinton, Howard Dean, Nancy Pelosi, Dianne Feinstein, Charles E. Schumer, Barbara Boxer See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and donkeys. I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me. No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

 

A WELL PLANNED LIFE
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well-planned life? ““Yes,” said her friend. My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I’m married to an undertaker.” Her friend asked, “What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?” “One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”