Crack Ups

A WELL PLANNED LIFE????

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school.
One asked the other, “You were always so organized in school,
Did you manage to live a well-planned life? ”
” Yes,” said her friend.
“My first marriage was to a millionaire;
my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher;
and now I’m married to an undertaker.”
Her friend asked,
“What do those marriages have to do with a well-planned life?”
“One for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready,
and four to go.

TRAIN RIDE

Three women and three men are traveling by train to the
football game. At the station, the three men each buy a
ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
“How are the three of you going to travel on only one
ticket asks one of the men.
Watch and learn,” answers one of the women.
They all board the train.  The three men take their respective seats, but all three women cram into a
toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes
around collecting tickets.  He knocks on the
toilet door and says, “Ticket, please.”
The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with
a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever
idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing
on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for
the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the
three women don’t buy any ticket at all!!
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” asks one perplexed man. “Watch and learn,” answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves
into a toilet, and the three women cram into a toilet just
down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women
leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the
men are hiding.  She knocks on their door and says, “Ticket please.”
I’m still trying to figure out why men think they are smarter than women.

 

CROTCHLESS PANTIES

A woman who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband’s lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their sexual relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a novelty shop.

One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned her crotchless undies and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. Want some of this? She purred?

Are you kidding? he replied, look what it did to your underwear!

 

BREAD

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning
jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina
and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, “Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “Do you have any Italian bread ”

She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it.
Would you like some?”

He said, “I want 5 loaves.”
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves …. By the time
you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard.”

He replied,
“I can’t believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me.”

THE RUDE PARROT

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an obscenity. Those that weren’t expletives, were to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shocked the bird and the bird just got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the bird in the freezer, just for a few moments. He heard the bird squawk and kick and scream-then suddenly, there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’ll endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued, “May I ask what did the chicken do?”

OUT OF TOWNER

A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.
The bartender looked up and said, “You ain’t from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?” The guy said, “I’m from Iowa.”

The bartender asked, “What the heck you do in Iowa?” The guy responded, “I’m a taxidermist.” The bartender asked, “Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?”

The guy said nervously, “I mount animals.”

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, “It’s okay boys, he’s one of us!”