Crack Ups

 

COMA

A woman is in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, “As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little ‘Oral sex’ will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.” The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his wife’s room. After a few minutes the woman’s monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. “What happened?”, they cried.

The husband said, “I’m not sure; maybe she choked?”

BROKE BACK BAR
A cowboy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay bar. But what the heck, he says to himself, “I can really use a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, “What’s the name of your wee wee?” The cowboy says, “Look, I’m not into any of that, all I want is a drink.” The gay waiter says, “I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until
you tell me the name of your wee wee. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan ‘Just Do It,’ and that guy down at the end of the bar calls his
Snickers, because it really Satisfies.” The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, “Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?” The man looks back and says with a smile “Timex.” The thirsty cowboy asks, “Why Timex?” The fella proudly replies, “Cause it takes a lickin’ and keeps on tickin!” A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellas on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, “So, what do you guys call yours?”

The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, FORD, because
Quality is Job One.” Then he adds, “Have you driven a Ford lately?” The guy next to him then says, “I call mine CHEVY, ‘Like a Rock’ and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name. He exclaims, “The name of my wee wee is SECRET. Now give me a beer.” The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look askes, “Why Secret?” The cowboy says, “Because it’s STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!”
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sister’s shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
LITTLE LADY
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.” She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time, but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes, she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
Heck,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”