Crack Ups

crack-ups

 

 

LET’S MAKE A DEAL

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Love, 44 years ago we had a cheap
apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white
TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl.”
“Now I have a $1,000,000 home, a $70,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot   25-year-old girl, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
~Aren’t older women great? They really know how to
solve a mid-life crisis

 

IS THAT MULE FOR SALE?
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake’s wife brought his lunch to him.

Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake’s old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.

At the wake, Jake’s minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, ‘Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?’

‘Well,’ Jake replied, ‘The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, ‘Is that mule for sale!?’

 

 

WIFE AND HUSBAND VISIT DOCTOR
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After the checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and told her, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will lose his will to live and surely die.”

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood.
At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work.
For dinner, fix especially nice meals selected from his favorite foods and don’t burden him with household chores or problems.
Make love with him several times a week and satisfy his every sexual whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
She replied, “You’re going to die.”

 

 

WEDDING FAIRY
A married couple in their early 60’s were celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant…
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.” The wife answered, Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – Two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:  Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me. The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof…the husband became 92 years old. The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female…..

 

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, ‘We were the first in space!’
The American said, ‘We were the first on the moon!’
The Blonde said, ‘So what? We’re going to be the first on the sun!’
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their
heads. ‘You can’t land on the sun, you idiot! You’ll burn up!’ said
the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, ‘We’re not stupid, you know. We’re going
at night!’

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She
rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
‘If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?’
She thought for a time and then asked, ‘Is it on or off?’

BLONDES AND RELIGION
A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, ‘May I have 50 Christmas stamps?’
The clerk says, ‘What denomination?’
The blonde says, ‘God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6
Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.

FINALLY: The blonde joke to end all blonde jokes!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was
named Timex.
Her friend said, ‘Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?’
‘HELLLOOOOOOOOOOOO……,’ answered the blond. ‘They’re watch dogs!’