Crack Ups

 

FIRST TIME SEX

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet
and have a dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make
love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.  He tells the
pharmacist it’s his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour.  He tells the boy everything there is to
know about condoms and sex.  At the register, the pharmacist
asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack
because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time
and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door.  ‘Oh, I’m so excited for you
to meet my parents, come on in!’The boy goes inside and is
taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.  A minute passes, and
the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.

Ten minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally,
after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over
and whispers to the boyfriend, ‘I had no idea you were this
religious.’
The boy turns, and whispers back, ‘I had no idea your father
was a PHARMACIST.’

 

SHIPWRECKED

A man was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and
a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that
they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile,
he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the
beach every evening to watch the sunset.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle – a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely
man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the
man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more
cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The
only survivor was Nancy Pelosi.

That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was
another beautiful evening – red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze
– perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get ‘those
feelings’ again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned
over to Nancy and told her he hadn’t had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could
do for him.

He said, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk

 

 

BITCHES ‘TIL THE END

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, ‘I’ve got some bad
news. You have cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order.’

The woman was shocked but managed to compose herself and walk into the
waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

‘Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we
celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t
well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.’

After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and more martinis. They were eventually approached by
some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two
were celebrating.

The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end,
‘I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS.’

The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a
hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered,
‘Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told
your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that??’

‘Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father
after I’m gone.’

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, ‘Putting Your Affairs In Order.

 

 

 

YOUR DAUGHTER IS PREGNANT

 

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter’s swollen abdomen.

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, “Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!”

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

The mother became enraged and screamed, “Quit looking out the window! Aren’t you paying attention to me?”

“Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma’am. It’s just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they’d show up again, and help me figure out how your daughter got pregnant without having sex.”